Pre–Lexapro
I’m driving through life, just tooling along, occasionally enjoying the scenery, mostly filled with a bland kind of loneliness and melancholy, but frequently excited — either by my own crap driving, someone else’s crap driving or a random hiccup of circumstance like a cup in the road — into extreme, hyperventilating, weepy, glass-completely-empty, wishing-to-disappear, no-hope depression and anxiety. Decision-making shuts down at this point. To continue the road trip metaphor, suddenly I come to the end of my map. Since I have no direction, and my ability to drive has become impaired by the previously-mentioned anxiety, and, as often happens during these forays into the uncharted, I lose my will (and my belief in my ability) to continue, I end up either willingly or accidentally driving off the cliff that is always there, where the map ends. It is a long, hard, muddy, painful climb back up that cliff, and when I am down there, I am loathe to climb back up because it means getting back in the car and trying to get back on the road — something I have no faith in my ability to do. People to try to extend a hand down to help me are often bitten by the animal I become down in the muck and shadow. Luckily for me, the climb was always completed, even though it usually took days.
Post–Lexapro
Still driving, still tooling along, still passing through a mix of emotions most of which are nothing to brag about. I occasionally arrive at a bit of joy, but I also hit the edge of the map just as often as I did before. This time, however, there is no cliff. I do not fall, but rather stall, right there on the edge of the world. I am still depressed and anxious, but now am unable to hide from it. One would think that this would make getting back on the road an easier thing, but it doesn’t. I am just as lost, and oftentimes end up wishing for a cliff, for my dank, dark valley, my hiding place. I have no more information than before — the map is not wider or easier to read or fold and unfold. I am no more capable. From here on in, I am to study the roads that take me to the edge of the map and learn to avoid them, or not succeeding in avoidance, to perfect my U-turn… or so say the experts. I understand this goal, and I agree for the most part, but I still find myself wishing for a nice high, slippery cliff when the horizon looms.
Now what I need is a drug that draws maps.
Sounds about right. :)
If you get really good, you learn to look off the edge of the cliff — and notice the beautiful scenery surrounding you instead of just the rocks below you. ;^)
Maybe you need to post some of those “Here there be dragons” signs. No wait, you like dragons.… ok, maybe “Here there be monsters” signs.…
Crazymeds seems to consider Lexapro mostly harmless. Sounds safer than my Effexor, but not as fun.
As for me and maps, with me, it was more like, “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t NEED roads!” At least you’ve got freakin’ roads…
Namaste.…
Oh, and for me the “map drawing” drug is lamictal. My shrink thanks me every time I see him for talking him into trying that — it wasn’t approved for bipolar at the time — now almost all his bipolar patients use it.
Your post-Lexapro description made me think “welcome to the human race.” Nobody has a map. Everybody wonders if there is some huge secret piece of information they alone are missing. There isn’t. We struggle to find our way, to find meaning, to understand ourselves and our place in the universe — that’s what being a human is all about. You’re absolutely right — there is no place to hide. We must come out into the light and accept the fact that we are all beautiful, complete, flawed human beings — and that we are OK just the way we are. As Bukowski wrote: “Your life is your life. Don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.” You are one of the most wonderful people I have ever met.
Found this whilst searching for Lexapro and side effects. I’m actually on Esitalo but it is a generic brand of Lexparo.
I’d like to add my two bits worth as I’ve been on this drug for over two years now and after trying to ween myself it a couple of times I’ve proven to myself that this is the way life is supposed to be.
After 15 yrs of marriage and the many up and downs of life that it brings, my wife and I were having unresolved issues mainly attributed (or so it seems) at the time to my temper and irrational moods. I was prescribed Lexparo by a very well known Australian Psychologist that my GP sent me too. He gave me this piece advice after discussing the issues that my wife and I were having, “She would be a very hard woman if she asked you to leave home now after I’ve diagnosed you with anxiety and very high stress levels”.…and guess what happened? When I went home and discussed with her what the GP had told me(less the bit about her being a hard woman if…)…she asked me to leave home!
This departure from the routine and what I found to be my solace ie family and my home were swiftly ripped away from me. Being the emotional and ‘still waters run deep’ sort of person I was in turmoil. Returning to my mother’s home had no saviour for me as being a man of 40+yrs it was quite embarrassing. This further demoralised me and I was spiralling out of control. At this point the Lexapro had not kicked in enough yet to make any real difference to my personality.
However, within a couple of months it did start to give me some clarity. The best way I have of describing its effect is to say that I felt like it was a miserable day, drizzly with very heavy fog before the Lexapro. Then as it started to take effect the fog started to lift and become more of a haze. Then to the day when it was a warm sunny spring morning and the world was clear and it was a beautiful day. We still get rain with cold miserable weather but before too long it clears again to be a clear sunny day even if it is winter but then comes spring and summer. And so the cycle repeats.
Needless to say I am no longer married to that ‘very hard woman’ and I feel as though I am now the person she once met, fell in love with, married and raised two beautiful 10yr old twins. If only she had given me the time and understanding that a Diabetic working 12 hr Day and Night shifts with anxiety verging on depression needed to get himself unwound.
She will never recognise or accept that half the problem was her to start with and it wasn’t just my anger and temperament that drove us to this point. I will admit that my upbringing did not give me the tools in my toolbag to allow me to deal with the stresses that daily life will bring and I feel that she just added to those stresses without ever understanding the cause and effect principle.
I have a deeper understanding of myself and the ability now to feel when I am stressed and recognise the factors influencing my emotions whether they be bad or good emotions.
Finally, I feel that Lexparo/Esitalo is like a key to allow my emotions to ebb and flow without the blockage of stress/anxiety causing these emotions to build up and overflow in waves of pent up outbursts.
I still have times when emotions overcome me to cause me to cry or laugh out loud but this I feel is just life happening as we swerve our way through all the day to day dilemmas that life puts there to test our tenacity.
I would urge anyone with undiagnosed apathy/anxiety/anger/emotional outburst/unexpalined irrationality to see a doctor with the perseverance to try a drug like Lexparo or Esitalo. I experienced all of the above without diagnosis.
Regards,
Mic.
PS. I have now met a wonderful lady that treats me with the love and respect that I feel and felt I deserve. Thus I return it to her with interest. We are happy and I’m sure life will only get better.
Kristin, Mic,
I doubt you will ever read this, but I myself came upon this site in a similar manor to Mic… Searching for information about Esitalo.
I know this is nothing but pointless musings, but, please allow me to indulge in my own experience for a few moments… in either a vain attempt to justify my thoughts and actions, or as an aid for someone in a similar position. I can not decide which it is.
In short, I had somewhat of a mental break down caused by stress from work and continual stress in my personal life (relating of course to members of the opposite sex). After this, I left to backpack around another country alone for a few months, in hoping to center myself. It seemed to work … for the time I was gone. However, it was not long after i returned that the familiar feelings came flooding back. It was then that I finally decided I should try to seek help. So I went to my doctor, and asked he prescribe me something to help me relax. He refused, and instead insisted I see a mental health professional.
I tried seeing a Psychologist for a few weeks, but he was more of the ‘Cognitive Behavior’ type. The problem with that was not that he didn’t have any revaluations for me, as I already knew and completely agreed with everything he said, fully realizing that I was the only person in control of my emotions. The problem was that for the last 8 years or so, I must admit that it has never felt that way (I am now 23).
In brief, after this, I returned to my doctor and described the above. He prescribes me a 6 month course of Esitalo. Now, this unopened box has remained on my desk for the last 3 months. I tell myself and others that I want to see if I can change myself in one last ditch effort before I begin … the truth is that I am scared to begin constant medication of myself. This may stem from my recreational drug use, and the fear that soon I may become too entwined with this drug that I will not know what parts of me are true and what is the effect of the drug.
However, I am gradually coming to realize that these substances are made for a reason, and so long as the effects are positive, then it should not matter if my emotions are aided by this. I now also realize if it were purely a matter of willpower alone, then surely I would have been able to change by now. Perhaps what I needed is an aid, a sort of push in the right direction.
Kristin, Mic, I would like to say thankyou for sharing your stories. They have made me feel far better about starting on this course then so many pages of apparently useful product information. I was contemplating (as usual, in the early hours of the AM) about if I should finally take the next step, and have now decided that I will start on my course tonight.
TL : DR; realizing you have control of your emotions, is far different from being able to do so
Steve